I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
