so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
