Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I checked into jail on foursquare
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Randomize
