You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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