WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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