i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
