There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
