I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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