How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
