Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
