im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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