i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
