Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
