Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
