I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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