Swine flu. Run for my life!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
