R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
