dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need a beard to bite.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
