the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
