I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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