i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
