the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
