Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
be right there i have to get my cape
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
