i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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