And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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