Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
