I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
