Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
