four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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