So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
