We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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