Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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