Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
