I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
