Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
