My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
