I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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