You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
