I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
