She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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