If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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