Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
