M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
