You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
