My friends, they love my intelligence
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
