remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book