so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
