Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize