Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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