paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
