Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
