i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
