I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize