I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize