I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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