I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
