So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
